From the very moment of my first child's birth, I knew that I wanted to follow the principles of gentle parenting. I believe that gentle parenting meshes perfectly with the ideas of Maria Montessori. I wanted to meet my child's needs and be understanding when things seemed to be spinning out of control. I didn't want to punish my child for "bad behavior" or reward for "good behavior." I wanted to be empathetic towards my child, giving him secure comfort in the times he needed it, no matter the situation and no matter the age. I wanted to give my child respect for who he is, allowing him to feel his feelings, have his opinions, and make choices about his life.
After delving into Maria Montessori's work, I soon learned that the first six years of a child's life are formative. The child is in the period of the absorbent mind, with the first three years being the unconscious absorbent mind and the second three years being the conscious absorbent mind. From birth, showing the child respect is important. Even as a young baby, they need time and space to simply observe their surroundings. Montessori wrote, "The tiny child's absorbent mind finds all its nutriment in its surroundings" (97). The prepared environment serves even an infant well. Since the infant is in the state to observe what is around them, a beautiful, prepared, simple environment is part of a Montessori home. I did not start using Montessori in my parenting until my first child was over a year old, but when my youngest was born, we set up a simple movement area for her. I took the mattress from a pack n play that we never used, covered it with a sheet, and set it in front of a mirror.
As my children have passed through infancy into toddlers and now with my oldest being a preschooler, my parenting has evolved. The respect for them is central to my parenting. I try my very best to respond to them with empathy and understanding. I mean, some days are difficult. Some days, they try my patience. Some days, I raise my voice and feel frustrated with them. But I think that's natural. We can't expect parents to be perfect with their children all of the time, just as we cannot expect children to be perfect. We are human beings with flaws. But when we make a mistake with our children, we apologize and model that kind of social relationship with them.
That being said, being a Montessori parent means practicing gentle and respectful parenting. As Maria Montessori wrote, "The treatment of children should really be considered as a matter of social importance" (103). They are part of our lives and not an inconvenience. We serve as collaborators with them in their desire to be independent. We prepare the environment, and most importantly, ourselves, in order to help them navigate this world. We give them space and time to complete tasks, simple or complex. We allow them to observe, concentrate, or work for as long as they wish. We establish limits and boundaries when necessary. We show them empathy when they are having a hard time. We don't punish them, reward them, or give excessive praise.
Maria Montessori's wisdom has changed my parenting in so many ways. Yes, at the birth of my oldest child, I decided to follow gentle parenting principles. But parenting is difficult with so many muddy areas. There are so many opinions out there. Montessori's observations of children and her writings have helped me to carve out how I wanted to parent my children: with respect, empathy, and understanding; by giving them freedom within limits; by allowing them to make choices on their own; by providing an environment which is orderly, at their height, and meets their interests; by not punishing or rewarding; and by collaborating with them as they seek their independence.
By no means am I able to meet all of these principles on a daily basis. The best we can do is try, every single day. Every day is a new day. As parents, Maria Montessori has so many wise words to share. I highly recommend you read her books if you have some time.
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Montessori, Maria. The Absorbent Mind. Holt Paperbacks, 1995.
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